GO HANG A SALAMI - RICHARD GODWIN
Go Hang A Salami is the sequel to I’m A Lasagna Hog. You are strongly urged to read it before sitting down with this one.
Vic Rogers looked at himself in the mirror and said, ‘I’m not going to kill anyone.’
Jack Gnocchi and Salami Harry were looking for him.
He wanted them dead after they killed his brother and hung him up at the meat plant, hung him up like salami, but he had to get out.
He picked up the phone.
‘Pedro? It’s ready? The cops are after me. Jack tipped them off. I got the money. No, they froze my accounts. Let me figure out how I’m gonna get it out of the country.’
On the table lay a pile of cash in $100 notes.
He locked these in a cupboard just as the intercom buzzed.
A tall lean man entered carrying a bag.
‘Beer?’ he said.
Vic handed him a Heineken.
‘You know what the schedule is, Jim.’
‘Put your leg in plaster, call them, turn up in my best suit when you call and do it again tomorrow.’
Vic removed his trousers.
Jim prepared the plaster cast and covered Vic’s leg.
When he finished, he stood back admiringly.
‘Always said my nursing training would come in handy.’
Later that day, Vic manoeuvred the wheelchair carefully out of the door and into the lift.
He got a taxi to JFK airport and passed through security.
As he was waiting at his gate, two police officers approached.
‘Sir, come with us,’ one of them said.
‘We have reason to believe you have contraband on you.’
He followed them to a security room.
‘I have a plane to catch,’ Vic said.
‘We received a call. We’ll have to remove your plaster.’
‘This is ridiculous, I’m calling my attorney.’
An hour later, Jim turned up in a pinstriped suit. Vic demanded he explain they had no right to do this.
‘I’m afraid they do,’ Jim said.
They removed his plaster and found nothing.
‘I’ll sue you and the airline,’ Vic said. ‘I’m calling the papers, I’m going to expose you as the biggest bunch of losers, you cost me a fortune.’
They apologised while an official from the airline offered him a complimentary first class ticket for the next morning.
Vic went back to the flat and slept.
The next morning, he took the cash out of the cupboard and laid it on the table before Jim turned up.
‘Think it’ll all fit in?’ Vic said.
Jim put the plaster cast on Vic’s leg, this time with the cash in it. He put a few layers of newspaper on top.
Vic used the few remaining bills to pay him.
Then he made his way to the airport.
This time, security escorted him onto the plane.
Vic enjoyed a quiet flight to Mexico.
At the other end, Pedro met him and drove him to the villa.
He removed Vic’s plaster.
‘You get me the guns?’ Vic said.
‘Over there. Why d’you need them?’
‘Just in case.’
Pedro left him and Vic went to bed.
The next morning, as he was having coffee on the terrace, he heard a noise.
Jack Gnocchi and Salami Harry were entering the villa by the back. Harry was sweating heavily and pulling at his tie.
Vic saw them in the mirror in the hallway and dropped Harry with the first shot. Then he shot Jack and stood over him.
‘I’m a hit man, and this is Mexico. You think you can do what you did and get away with it?’
‘We hanged your brother, didn’t we?’
He shot his face off.
He walked out onto the terrace and breathed. He admired the beautiful gardens.
Behind him, Harry stumbled into life.
Vic felt his heavy hand on his shoulder and, as Harry leaned into him, Vic shot him, tipping him over the terrace.
Harry’s tie caught in the railings and he dangled there, hanging and choking, his face turning blue. He was clutching at his jacket and his throat and, as he struggled, a sausage fell out of his pocket and rolled down the grass below.
‘It’s over, Harry,’ Vic said, ‘go hang a salami.’
Friday's Forgotten Books, May 25, 2018
14 hours ago