-Hey, babe.
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...
-What’re you doing here?
-The guy in the downstairs apartment let me in, you know, that Asian dude who helped me get rid of your couch a few months back? He was going out the front door with some trash when I was coming up the steps and he let me slide on by. Why’s that guy always smells like bait?
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-He’s not supposed to do that.
-Do what?
-Let people into the building. It’s against the rules.
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-Come on, he knew who I was. Besides I practically live here. And he was all smiles, guess you kind of remember a guy who suckers you into moving a couch that weighs a ton.
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-You should have called first, Kenny.
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-Excuse me?
-I said you should have called first. I don’t like you just popping by and showing up unannounced.
-What is that supposed to mean?
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-Is something wrong?
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-Come on, undo the chain.
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-Seriously, Dottie. Quit screwing around. Undo the chain.
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-No.
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-Wait a second—what did you just say?
-I said no, Kenny.
-No?
-Yes, I said no.
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-Look, I’m sorry, but I really can’t deal with all this right now. I’m tired, Kenny, and I have a monster headache and I’m just so tired. Please. Do me a favor and just go on home. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow morning.
-What’s wrong? Look, I’m not leaving here until you tell me what’s the hell is the matter with you and why you’re acting like this. You’re kind of scaring me, baby.
-You really should have called first.
-Yeah, well I didn’t. What’s the deal here, Dottie?
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-It’s late, Kenny.
-Fuck late. It’s nine-thirty. Nine-thirty isn’t late. Undo the chain.
-Kenny...
-Undo the chain, Dottie. I swear, I will push this door in.
-Can’t you for once just show me some respect and do what I ask? Just go home, go home and I’ll call you in the morning I promise.
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-I’m asking you politely, Kenny.
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-Come on, enough’s enough, baby. Just open the fucking door already and stop being such a cryptic little freak. Honestly. Jesus Christ.
-Stop it, Kenny. You’ll break the chain.
-Then unlock it.
-Kenny—
- Christ—look. If it’s something I did or didn’t do or something I said or didn’t say or something I forgot completely I apologize, okay? I fucking apologize. Come on, baby, just let me in and we’ll talk about it.
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-I so wanted to do this tomorrow.
-So wanted to do what tomorrow?
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-Wait, no.
-I wanted to tell you at work.
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-I tried to tell you the other night but you were drunk again and had done all that crank and were being just so impossible. You were frightening me, Kenny. You were out of control. You broke that chair, you threw all those magazines and clothes out the window. Do you even remember screaming at me? I just can’t take this anymore. I can’t take this. I don’t want to. I don’t want to make this any worse—
-You little bitch.
TROPICANA BLACKJACK DEALER CHARGED IN MURDER OF ATLANTIC CITY WOMANBIO: Jersey born writer Kieran Shea scratches at the eight ball of crime fiction. He blogs the struggle and other musings at BLACK IRISH BLARNEY.
By: Jacqueline Gallagher
ATLANTIC CITY PRESS STAFF WRITER
A Longport man wanted in the strangulation slaying of his 28-year-old girlfriend surrendered to police on Monday.
Kenneth Sloat, 30, was charged with one count of murder in last Thursday evening's death of Dorothy Ferguson, 28, in her apartment on the 3200 block of Fairmount Avenue, police said.
Investigators said a domestic disturbance preceded the incident. "We don't know exactly what it was all about," said Homicide Capt. Lawrence Clay.
Sloat was let into the apartment building by a downstairs neighbor who recognized him. The downstairs neighbor, Nguyen Van Dai, 44, subsequently heard a short argument and noises that prompted him to contact police.
Responding police arrived at 9:47 and found Ferguson unresponsive in her apartment. Van Dai said Sloat left about 9:30 and was located a short time later via sources at the Tropicana Casino where Sloat is employed as a blackjack dealer.
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21 comments:
Excellent story (as a Jersey boy, I love the Atlantic City connection). Nice dialogue and great flow, and love the way you finished with the newspaper story. Well done!
KM
The ending made it all work. I'm always a big fan of out-of-the-box ways to tell a story. This is excellent.
Ending with the news article is a nice touch. Thanks for sharing.
thanks, people
really enjoyed the dialogue here and the news story really works in an almost symmetrical kind of way.
Fantastic work. Crisp, realistic dialogue and the breaks helped me see the scene unfolding even better than I think narration would have. Those breaks did wonders for the pacing also. Sometimes less truly is more. Masterful work. No other way to say it.
KS, another shot of great dialogue with a very clever ending.
wow, that was interesting. I was thinking maybe there was a body inside that sofa. Unique way to end things
You really pulled the dialogue off super well, and then to end it with a newspaper article? Such a clever way to share the outcome. Great story.
I'm fond of telling a story through dialogue, and this one is a treat.
Did the dots count in the word count? Seriously, the usual great work.It gets boring, Kieran. Why don't you write a lousy story sometime? Show us you have off days.
Patti,
The dots did not count towards the word count.
The story behind the stories sometimes will curl your toenails.
Suffice it say, Kieran and I tried with the dots counting at one point but they're really not words, are they?
Kieran remained ever the professional as I had to chop off some of the words to make it fit at one point.
And the finished product is classic Kieran AKA always excellent, in my opinion.
The truth is, this actually sort of happened. I changed a bunch of the details but it all started when I read the police blotter in the Press....kinda unfolded from there.
vicious and vivid - apt descriptors - like the set up and suspense in this one..
Fantastic dialogue and the news style is perfect too. You really sucked me in.
I love it.
The form and the story.
Cool.
Kelly
That's kinda the way real things happen sometimes. I mean how many -- wake up hungover and between the coffee and the aspirin FLASH SNAPSHOT you think no I didn't but you know it's true -- mornings have we all had? Gritty, real as Speed Graphic photography of a blood on the sidewalk black and white crime scene photos and unstoppable from the jump to the end. Cool.
Horrifying and suspenseful. I dig the newspaper article at the end--somehow by pulling the reader out of the action, this actually made it more real.
An entertaining alternative to straight narrative. Nice.
We can always count on you for something innovative, gripping and brilliant, Kieran. Thanks for this. You make savage so damn smart.
Nice stuff, Mr. Shea.
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