Friday, October 15, 2010

A Twist Of Noir 608 - Col Bury


Some people are just born lucky...

When I felt pigeon shit splatter my shoulder as I simultaneously slipped in a doggy dump, you could say that was unlucky, but it changed my life no end.

Now, I’m not superstitious - couldn’t give a toss about all that lark really. But I read the signs, clean myself up and go to pick up my dole. I neck the compulsory couple of cans of Special Brew, go to the bookies and pop a score on the old fixed odds. Now, I’m pretty damn good at picking the footy results, and with the double-dose-of-shit-thing happening, I think, Fuck it - why not make it fifty? After all, it’s those taxpaying suckers’ cash, innit?

Anyway, my ten results come in and I roll like a pig in shit. Five fuckin grand! Well £5,122.36 to be precise. A couple of ecstatic calls later and me ‘n’ the boys are cruising around town, all fuckin steaming, since we drop two E’s apiece and have a constant joint on the go between bars.

I was driving as usual, simply because I was always the driver on jobs we’d done and, anyway, I’d nicked the Vauxhall. Keys in the ignition, on the driveway, engine running, piece of piss. The look on the owner’s face, as he came round the corner of his house clutching a pissin hose pipe, was a picture, I’ll tell yer.

Next stop...Long Legs!

“My Chrimbo treat, boys,” I say, wiping stray remnants of coke from my nostrils, tossing each lad a crispy fifty.

“Aw, look at the tits on that,” said Gimp, just a little too loud.

To be honest, they are crackin Babylons, but I tell him to cool it as the management are a bit keen. We all take a seat, watch and wait, trying not to dribble.

This stunning blonde in black sussies and high heels makes a beeline for me. I glance heavenwards when she sits on my lap, the boys’ mouths gaping.

“Hey, Big Boy, fancy a private dance?” Her accent’s Czech as well!

My dick answers for me and she grins, leading me by the hand, the boys gaping some more.

Five minutes later, the sleazy music stops and beneath my jeans a manic Boa is trapped in a sack. She clocks my raging cock, her tongue sliding across a dirty smile.

“Do you do extras? I’ve won dosh...” I show her the roll of fifties.

Next thing, the Boa escapes and, in a pulse, is skilfully covered in latex.

“Mister Lucky gets fucky-fucky!’ Leering, she climbs on board, rides me bucking bronco style. My musical taste changes forever, as we sweat and thrust to Duran Duran’s Wild Boys. Such is my euphoria, I’m fuckin singing along!

A few high-fives later, and I lead the lads to the Vauxhall, me almost floating there, thinking, ain’t life grand... five fuckin grand! We hit a few more bars, beat some prick up who gave us the eye - he’ll live... just. Gimp always takes exception to eye contact, and he’s me mate, innit? We have more beers, weed and sniff, then about 10.15 P.M. we head for a club. I drive, of course, like I always do.

Now, let me ask you a question... I know it’s Christmas ‘n’ all, but what responsible fuckin parent would take their seven year old daughter shopping up town at 10.15 at night?


My ‘lifer’ cellmate Jerome gives me the eye when I tell him about the kid I killed. The news is received like I’ve called Mike Tyson a willy-wufter. Beginning to regret my blabbing, I back off into the corner of the cell.

BIO: Col Bury is the Co-Editor of webzine Thrillers, Killers ‘n’ Chillers and is currently re-writing a crime novel. His ever-growing selection of short stories can be found here on ATON, Six Sentences, Blink-Ink, Flash Fiction Offensive & TKnC. He has forthcoming stories in Pill Hill Press 365 Days of Flash and Even More Tonto Stories. He blogs & interviews crime authors at Col Bury’s New Crime Fiction.


Anonymous said...

Brilliantly written. A nice piece of black satire.

Alan Griffiths said...

Very nicely done Col, this has a great voice running all the way through it. Yeah, a top job, fella – really well done.

David Barber said...

Nice one, Col. You painted a great picture with some great writing.

Long Legs - Been there..... :-)

Paul D Brazill said...

I loved that. Where exactly is Long Legs? For research purposes, you understand ...

Lily Childs said...

Brilliant, just brilliant. We've missed your stuff since 'the novel'! Makes looking forward to that even more itchy.

Kevin Michaels said...

Excellent story.. Great voice and a real strong narrative.

Well done-

pattinase (abbott) said...

This has more atmosphere than a Saturday night in Detroit.

Anonymous said...

Well, Col. Now I know how you fellas swing. But I have to ask...
Are you that busy without the five grand? Good stuff!

Sean Patrick Reardon said...

Great job, well written, and a great ending, which cough me off guard

jrlindermuth said...

Adding a well deserved brilliant to the collection.

David Barber said...

Paul, Long Legs is a "caugh" lap dancing bar in the centre of Manchester. Nuff said...

Unknown said...

I was a tad apprehensive about this one, as I've not done a short for a while, plus I rarely use present tense. Thought it would help with immediacy.

'Black satire'... I like that description.

As always, cheers, bud.

Dave n Paul,
Ta very much, chaps. For the record, I have not been to Long Legs... I'm a family man you see.

Just hope someone gives me a chance with the novel...

Thank you.


I don't frequent those places... honest!

Glad you liked it, especially the ending, since I cocked up n missed the very last line. Seems it still works though. Gonna blog about this soon.

Means a lot, cheers.

Regards to all n thanks for commenting.

AJ Hayes said...

Story shifts gears so smooth you don't realize you're doing 80 in a 25 zone until the sudden stop fetches you up against the consequences and a piece of jailhouse justice. Great read.

Al Tucher said...

Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy!

Author said...

Top read, Col. Loved the change of voice, bud.

Unknown said...

Cheers, Al.

Cool analogy!

Gary Dobbs/Jack Martin said...

Loved that image of the guy singing Wild Boys while getting laid. Started off in the shit and ended up in the shit. Really enjoyed that.

Unknown said...

Cheers - first person is rare for me, but it seems to have worked.

Really chuffed you liked it, and the line you refer to was a late addition to get the word count up. I always fondly recall an image from one of your stories when some killer slipped on a tit - LOL!


Annie (Lady M) x said...

Wow.. Great writing skill. I love the way you gradually built up the main character and his traits, and in a concurrent thread, hinted at (using a repitition of 'I always drive') the shocking conclusion.

Joyce said...

Wow, Col. This one hits you like a brick. Great voice, very engaging character, and then the end? That's about as dark as it gets. Well done.

Unknown said...

Annie / Joyce,
Thanks for dropping by 'n' commenting - really glad you liked it.

Michael Solender said...

a wild wild ride Col, You sure you ain't been there?

Steve Weddle said...

oh, cool stuff

Unknown said...

I promise!

Anonymous said...

Wickedly... wicked. Very dark and humorous. Enjoyed it.

Unknown said...

Thanks, Kelly.
Glad you enjoyed it.