A Twist Of Noir 358 - Laura Roberts

17 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT VAL CAPONE - LAURA ROBERTS

Val Capone is the illegitimate daughter of a hired gun and a Dutch prostitute. Born in Amsterdam’s red-light district, Val was put to work starting on her 16th birthday, selling her wares for the same low, low price as every other long-legged, silky-smooth window dressing in town: $25 a pop. Sick of being treated like some gangster’s moll, Val shot the shit out of three of her customers after two days on the job. Her mother chastised her, saying, “Bitch, you waste fewer bullets the higher you aim.” From that day forward, Val has never aimed for anything less than square between the eyes.

Val’s father, Henry, taught her how to shoot a Gat, a Glock and a Remington. She prefers the sleek Smith and Wesson, and particularly enjoys a .45 special. Now 27 years old, Val has killed 36 men in 14 countries. 15, if you count the Vatican.

Raised amongst hoodlums and streetwalkers, Val has never been afraid of anything. Not even spiders. She was a member of the Swamp Angels by the age of 7. The labyrinths of New York City’s sewers are no mystery to her.

Despite rumors to the contrary, Val has never set foot in Brazil.

Val’s best friend is the pop star Pink. Val maintains that she is the real persona that inspires Pink’s tough-girl lyrics. Pink denies these allegations, but refuses to accept Val’s challenge to a duel with pistols in order to settle the matter once and for all. Val often takes Pink with her when she goes to the shooting range and has even gone so far as to inscribe an 18th century musket with her initials, but Pink maintains her position that guns kill. A card-carrying, dues-paying member of the NRA, Val thinks this is bollocks. “Guns don’t kill people unless you take the safety off, bitch,” she is fond of saying. After all, “4.3 million Charleton Heston fans can’t be wrong!”

Val Capone is never drunk. She maintains sobriety in order to shoot straight, but has been known to down 15 shots of tequila in a sitting. When the cad next to her attempts to take liberties with her fine person, Val leans in for a kiss and blows the back of his head clean off before you can say “Sarsaparilla.” You don’t mess with Texas. You don’t mess around with Jim. And you sure as hell don’t mess with Val “Valentine’s Day Massacre” Capone.

Val has never been in love. She prefers to fuck and run. The bullet through the heart depends on how close she gets to giving a damn. In true point of fact, Val Capone breaks hearts for a living, and she always shoots the moon. She likes scoundrels; particularly when they look like Harrison Ford.

Val always gets her way. She only resorts to gunplay when her back is up against a wall, and usually she likes that too much to load her six-shooter.

Most girls want a man with the bling-bling; Val just wants seamed stockings, garter holsters and plenty of bullets.

Val has been married only once. Her partner was a straight shooter with plenty of class. He died in a blaze of glory defending her honor against a gang of Mexicans in Chihuahua. This was the only time Ms. Capone ever wept, and all witnesses to her tears were destroyed in a second blaze of glory. She continues to wear her wedding ring on her left hand in memory of his hell-raising spirit.

Val Capone will be making a special public appearance this Saturday at the Guns ‘N’ Poseurs 15th Annual Gun Show. For one hour only, Ms. Capone has vowed to lay down her weaponry and meet the public on friendly terms. Adhering to the maxim “You’re never fully dressed without a smile,” rather than the similar (but more bloodthirsty) “You’re never fully dressed without a Derringer,” she’ll be glad to answer your questions about guns, gangs and guerrillas, following her participation in the Fingers of Fury tournament. Lock and load, fellas. This dame’s putting the “ass” back in “class.”

BIO: Laura Roberts is a graduate of Concordia University’s Creative Writing program, and is currently working on her first novel, with the dubious title “Blowjobs for the Soul.” She is also in the process of writing a guidebook on the subject of Montreal’s “sexy” side, as a tribute to her former life as the “V for Vixen” sex columnist at Hour.ca. You can find more of her work online at http://buttontapper.com, or follow her on Twitter @originaloflaura.